Why not?

I've been feeling pent up for a while now - that horrible cotton wool brain feeling that's not quite depression but definitely not happy clappy sunshine either, as if my brain's been shot with a tranquiliser dart. I've come to the conclusion that this is the result of two things:

1) My exceptionally silly job. Yes, it can be a huge amount of fun but more often than not it's just about waiting, working insanely hard for very little reward, talking about things I've almost no interest in and, above all, being very careful never to say what I really think. To anybody. Worse still, when I finally do do some hands-on work (no, not that kind of thing, filthy person!) the success or failure of the end result is pretty much entirely reliant on other people. Sod that. I'm a control freak - I need to feel in charge of something, goddamn it!

2) I've got too good at multi-tasking. Just because I'm feeling a bit depressed that doesn't mean those grey cells aren't firing. Oh gosh, no! It seems like I've pushed my natural multi-tasking ability to a dangerous new limit and I can now no longer even watch TV without simultaneously writing an email or playing a stupid puzzle game on my phone. It's exhausting, yet I somehow can't turn my brain off and enjoy just relaxing. I think I've forgotten what the word means!

All this means I'm stressed out and feeling creatively impotent. I'm not even actually getting anything constructive done, I feel trapped in my own half-decorated tip of a house, and it's been years since I've done anything remotely fun without feeling some kind of anxiety that I should be doing something else! I've got stuck in a frustrating, soul-less routine and I'm wasting some of the best years of my life. I can't remember the last time I even read a book.

This will not do at all.

I'm a creative person, I always have been, and I've come to the conclusion that I need to create things in order to feel truly alive. So that's what I'm going to bloody well do! If my brain wont let me relax then I'm going to start taking joy in the strange little things it isn't used to processing - that'll teach the bastard!

I'm going to write, paint, take photographs, ramble about the minutae of my everyday life that the 'other me' isn't allowed to talk about and generally see where the wind takes me. I'm going to escape for a little while every day.

It'll be fun.

Come with me.

Em x